Last summer I went through the Valley of Transformation that every Spiritual Warrior must transcend in order to become the hero we were waiting to save us. I’m still a Hero in the making but I’ve learned to count on myself through the darkest points because I now know only we can pull ourselves out of the emotional ditch we sometimes stumble into.
It was right around the time I was meant to launch my revamped website, complimentary video series, my book that I’ve yet to complete, and officially put my shopfront sign on the internet in a more noticeable way that it all came crashing down in a disheartening collision of self-doubt married to a dream that fit a few sizes too big.
I thought I was ready and put most of my energetic resources into making a big deal about everything I was working on in the privacy (and safety) of my ‘Woo Woo Oasis’ but part of me started to wobble and I stopped sharing, or even writing. I hit a wall of emotional overwhelm so hard that I had a mini-emotional meltdown.
I was living in an over-priced condo in Paris, with my beloved cat, and once my brother and his wife left town, I didn’t want to be there anymore either. And I especially didn’t want to be on my own anymore.
Right at the precipice of when I needed to be laser-like focused on my business, my personal life collapsed and I lost all confidence in own my ability to put it back together while sustaining the business I was about to launch.
When you don’t know what you’re aiming for your chances of hitting the target are minimal so I sacrificed the date and submitted to the healing process.
I’d had several adventures pretty much back to back in the first half of the year in an effort to build my network and business which I’m glad I did, but on the cusp of my ‘launch’ the reality finally set in that I wasn’t prepared to sustain any of it and I’d be better to let go of my condo that no longer felt freeing. Moving while launching a new business venture did not sound like a recipe I would enjoy so I sacrificed my launch and focused on creating a solid home front instead.
Part of the delay was that I hadn’t finished maneuvering through the cosmic valley of darkness which was my Saturn Return; my cosmic sister Maria Jones in Worcester (UK) had correctly forewarned me it was not to be messed with and it wasn’t.
Saturn is like the Cosmic life coach who will cut through all the veils of illusion you’ve invested into in order to help you discover the real you underneath of it all.
I was at a house party once with a guy who wanted to ‘wound out’ with me, meaning he wanted to compare scabs and scars over drinks, and I finally told him no. He’d told me yet another story about his horrible ex wife who had committed fraud against her own father and was brainwashing his kids into hating him, and he literally said “o you want to go a layer deeper…” and I cut him off.
I interrupted his story and told him as directly and sincerely as I could that I didn’t need to nor was I going to hate his ex the way he needed me to, so instead of rehashing old wounds with me he needed to get to the heart of what the experience taught him because that was the reason for the lesson in the first place. That is what Saturn does to us all during it’s return which is based on your natal chart… talk to Maria Jones about how to find out yours by reading her astrological updates in her facebook group.
A word of caution.
Saturn will take you through the dark night of the Soul and it is not just one night, it’s as many as it takes. It’s the moment you realize you’re standing with your hand full of unplugged cords that you get to now choose where you’re going to plug them back into that you will feel the power of intentionally transforming your self-image. Trying to launch a business venture at the same time as this personal eruption took place was not what I wanted.
Maneuvering this change is the transformation I now offer clients and in the months to come you will see me offer opportunities to work together closer through your own Hero’s Journey, so stay tuned… back to the main story tho..
I remember sitting in my condo looking at all my things thinking this couldn’t be all there was to ‘it’. To pay so much to keep myself and Jules isolated from the world in a beautiful space?
In a moment I let reality catch up with me and realized I needed help so I could figure out my next steps without the pressure of dwindling down my savings on something that offered no ROI. I called my Dad to inquire about the Golden Nucleus (the room I’d inhabited for the first 9 months after returning from England) but my Dad declined both to having a cat in the house again, and to the interruption of an extra energy in the space he and his wife have created for themselves.
Fair enough, and fortunately he had already talked to Goom and Papa about it and they had a vacant and unfurnished basement they were willing to let Julius and I move into in for an unspecified period of time.
Beyond grateful to them both is all I have to say.
I pulled back from writing my book while I helped my Dad gut and rebuild my now bedroom in my Grandparents’ basement suite, got myself a full-time job so I could be out with people committed to transforming themselves, and took some time to recollect my broken pieces.
You can’t carry a creative baby when your arms are broken but with care you can heal up stronger than before.
We have a knack for bouncing back despite the odds, and sometimes taking a step back even when it feels like we’re just three feet from gold is what’s required; it allows you to launch forward with an added momentum that will help you break through even faster once you’re moving forward again.
What I know for sure is that you are being guided toward and away from certain things right now and it’s by a higher power. The more obediently you listen and the more fluidly you are willing to move the faster you’ll be able to go, but remember too that clarity is a fundamental part of leaving your mark on the world in the ways you want to be remembered.
Decide ahead of time where you want to end up, and how you want to be remembered, so when you can experience deja vu when you walk into a condo you’ve never been in before, and see an image you’d already envisaged.
Laura JE Hamilton
PS. That literally happened. When I first realized I needed to get my own space I had a vision of what turned out to be the only condo I toured when I decided to move out onto my own and started looking. A powerful reminder to ask and you shall receive!