With the intense energies of tomorrow’s Equinox upon us, I’ll admit that after work this afternoon I crawled into bed and didn’t have energy to get up until I heard Papa banging around in the kitchen upstairs at supper time.
I reached the kitchen as he made himself a plate of pork and beans with a slice of peameal bacon that he microwaved for what I perceived to be not long enough. I took his slice of pig meat back to the stove and finished the job properly as I would have preferred do with his beans too but after having been catered to by his wife of 68 years, and his mother before that, sometimes I think it’s good for him to do it for himself. And while I try to discourage using the radioactive machine of convenience we’ve grown accustomed to, I shrugged my shoulders and said ‘do your thing’ as I made myself a pan of fried onions, brussel sprouts and zucchini he wouldn’t have wanted anyway.
I found it strange after Grandma passed when I’d ask what he wanted for a meal and he’d tell me to decide because “you’re the boss”. And the controversial conclusion I have come to over the last year and a bit is that men choose mothers.
I didn’t expect to be sharing this message right now, to be fair, but let’s roll with it as I was having this conversation with a friend last night too so I guess it’s time to call out the pattern.
I’ve been more focused on the path of personal growth and development since 2009 when I joined my first Mastermind group on Napoleon Hill’s book “Think and Grow Rich” and then got certified as a coach, teacher, speaker with the John Maxwell Team. Meals and home life were seen as inconvenient necessities rather than the joy they can be when approached with the right attitude.
At my certification event I met one of my mentors who was 18 years older, in the process of getting a divorce from the mother of his two children and whose own mother he’d had sectioned to a mental health facility after she threw pills over her neighbour’s fence and became a perceived threat to her community. My perspective of his story after my own experience last year changed a lot but that isn’t the point of this message.
He was English and I had nothing to lose by saying yes to an exciting adventure living abroad and so, for him, my 23 year old self packed up as much as I could fit into two suitcases and for three and a half years I lived there with him; fitting into his life as a supported house-partner trying to measure up to the expectations of a traumatized boy who grew into a man I thought was great. It was a pretty obvious demonstration of the fact women choose fathers too.
It took time for me to become domesticated and before I left our life together he’d tell my Grandma she could be proud of me now because I’d finally become a properly domesticated woman, keeping our six bedroom farmhouse tidy, meals ready after his long days spent in his office, dog walked and kids attended to when they stayed over, groceries got and laundry looked after too.
Domestic life was never my dream, coming from a Mom whose first wish as a married woman was to hire a cleaner which was squashed immediately by my Dad whose own Mother devoted herself to her domestic life and while Mom looked after us well, after a few complaints about my packed lunch in Kindergarden, I got to pack my own ever after and fell out of love with food prep pretty early on in my life.
When I returned from my life in England I largely avoided becoming a domesticated woman again, and the thought of being a mother even more so was ‘not for me’. While that desire hasn’t specifically changed, my desire to become domesticated in my own way has emerged as I share time with a man I want to nurture and show love to in the special way a home-made meal and harmonious space can. And while I do my best for Papa, his unimaginative pallet and eat to live approach to food make experimenting with great flavour and dishes a largely useless exercise but I enjoy showing him he is loved nonetheless.
And yet each of these men, and most others who have not closed down their hearts or willingness to partner with a woman their own Mother might approve of, are grown up boys. And we grown women are just little girls in varying stages of development hoping to figure out how to show our love so that we can be loved in return too.
We’re far more simple than I previously realized, but sometimes it takes time for the small pleasures of life to truly sink in.
Last night my friend shared how ‘neutered’ he’s felt throughout his life, not being able to express himself without ridicule for being sensitive and different from socially accepted norms, and how toxic masculinity had shaped his experience until he started to dig deep and release the trapped emotions accumulated from this Matrix reality we are living. I’ve felt the same in my own way before learning to step into my power and am learning to express it more healthfully which has been a vital part of my growth process.
There are big shifts happening right now and learning to embrace a healthy and balanced masculinity and femininity within ourselves will require more than microwaving our growth process.
And also recognizing how our external relationships reflect our inner ones.
What is unfolding now requires going back into our past to find the aspects of ourselves we judged because the examples we had were conflicting and our younger selves didn’t know how we fit into the roles we thought we wanted to take on. Trying to fit into someone else’s life can also only take us so far, and yet when we become more comfortable letting others choose for themselves while being there to show support and offer assistance as they make their choices can offer unexpected growth opportunities.
I’ve found it hard to share my story fully over the past few years because it’s impossible to share our own story without implicating others in the process. And yet what I’ve learned as I’ve released the baggage of my own trapped emotions and the need to be who others expect me to be, is that we are all walking each other home in our own ways.
And even though we may just seem to be one simple man or woman, we are also transmuting karma connected to the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine within the collective in the process of balancing our own too. So be graceful with yourself as you let others exercise their free will without taking it personally or trying to change them, or necessarily live up to their standards either.
Very grateful to all who have helped me see who I want to be moving forward and will say that while the domesticated housewife role is still not my goal in life, becoming a healthier cook and creator of a beautiful space is something I now choose to embrace from an empowered place. So judge not the process of unpacking the B.S. that defines us for all contrast leads to greater clarity when properly unpacked.
We choose parental partners until we can be a response-able one to ourselves. I wrote a story along these lines on the plane back from Arizona to DC the day before my crazy adventure into the mental health system began last year and I’ve never shared it. Soon I will.
Blessings until then,
Laura JeH – Namaste
