Day Twenty-One: What I Kept From Even Myself

Two things came to mind when this prompt was given to me on the twenty-first day of a writing challenge I have 12 minutes to complete this blog and post it in order to qualify for a one on one session with a woman I met in London, England at a marketing group conference I got to attend because my ex paid £10k to be part of it each year and I was his guest. I’m not going to make the deadline but I’m going to keep writing the blog anyway because it was never just about the challenge.

Megan Macedo has been a shining light intermittently along my journey because she teaches authentic writing and entrepreneurship and that’s the only way I know to do business. I have chosen her as one of my guides for this part of my journey, based on my appearance on my path along the way throughout the past few years I’ve known her.

We are completing transactions all the time energetically from our self-esteem account and each time we do what we feel is best for ourselves we deposit esteem into our account, and when we do something for instant gratification purposes we make withdrawals and sometimes we max our limit. Like our T.E.E.M of time, energy, emotion and money we only have so much of ourselves to give and we must invest what we have wisely.

In fact, I just invested the last 6minutes into writing a text message that I needed to write in order to clear the air because I’m either going to get answers or I’m not and either way I’d rather him know what’s going on in my head rather than just fixating on it all without any ability to get answers.

I think answers is what it’s all about but questions are where it’s at.

All the power is in the quality of questions you’re willing to ask yourself. Some of the pioneering forefathers of critical theory said the quality of a person’s life is reflected in the quality of questions they are willing to ask themselves. The deeper you are willing to go into your self the more adept you will be to live a life of meaning and significance.

In 2011 when I was just weeks away from attending my certification event in West Palm Beach, Florida as a John C. Maxwell Certified Coach, Teacher and Speaker and Founding Partner I was sitting on a beach on Harrison Lake, BC when it first occurred to me.

It was the first time I had heard myself and actually caught the flying carpet I had just sped off with my words and gave myself a chance to redirect it before it was too far gone.

I finally heard myself say “you don’t love me the way I need you to” and suddenly I realized that statement had absolutely nothing to do with him or any of the men I’ve loved before or after him.

My heart is so big I just want to love someone so hard it pushes them to be the best that they can be and yet I have to love and respect myself that much too if I’m going to attract a mate of the same caliber of character as what I’m looking for in a partner and thus need to be. I’ve done a lot of work on myself to become that but evidently still have a long ways to go because hungry people can only eat people up without savouring the process…

Sometimes I wake up and just want to send someone love, just to sprinkle magic in their day, but to someone who just wants to do the same back to me and for the last two and a half years I haven’t had a specific special someone, outside of friends and family, and lately it really got to me.

My manager and I went for a walk around the building the other day because my emotions were affecting my presence. On Saturday I felt like I got stood up but don’t actually know whether I was or not because I haven’t talked to him since. That was actually the text I spent those final precious seconds of the deadline for the challenge writing and I guess I will know soon enough.

What’s most brilliant about the situation is that in both situations, then and now, I am brought face to face with my “you don’t love me the way I need you to story” which truly has nothing to do with the guy that I’m thinking it to myself about and everything to do with me.

As I grieved the false loss of something that wasn’t even something in the first place yet, on both occasions, my heart ached for the void they were leaving empty. Their extra ‘outer rings’ of dysfunction as Bruce Lipton refers to as ‘the honeymoon effect’ in his must-read by the same name is when your dysfunctions seem to perfectly balance out each other’s dysfunction and for a fleeting time we feel whole and complete and happy in ourselves with this other person.

Until their dysfunctions actually begin to annoy you because you’ve taken on their baggage thinking it was helping you and then realized that actually no it’s not at all and that’s when it ends…

The honeymoon effect is the dopamine rush we get when we experience external stimulation we enjoy and I, like you may be, am a recovering dopamine addict and sometimes a full blown junkie. I love the happy rush as much as anyone which is why the thought of not having it anymore, even though I’d only experienced the excitement of a new romance for a very short time, was so disheartening. I was completely off my game the last couple days, though pulled it together every moment it mattered, and I now realize it’s because I don’t like not knowing, above all, that I was most bothered.

Once I have a question in mind I want an answer to, if it’s something that genuinely intrigues, impacts or interests me that is of course (:I) I will go seeking the answer, and yet it’s even the association of going out there to get the answer that originates the problem.

We look for answers outside of ourselves and we look for love from others to make us feel better about ourselves.

I was too scared to love myself so instead I’ve been quietly desiring a partner to fill the silence of my own company, and to distract me from having the book-baby I’ve been harbouring for all these months.

But bringing a baby into the world when your own breathing is distressed isn’t easy, and today I finally exclaimed to my Manager, as I started to cry, that I’m just tired of being alone. Tired of being just one. Tired of not having someone to want to be my best for.

Are you serious Laura? Really?

Yep, this is honest dialogue and I can genuinely say I was disappointed in myself more than anything because I finally admitted to truth to myself. After all the work I’ve been doing on myself, I’m still waiting for someone else to make my life even better by being part of it, which isn’t all bad, it’s just my disappointment at having to be interested in something else again that alarmed me.

I also wasn’t clear with this guy, whose appearance in my life created such a stir, and clarity through communication is king so I decided to get some clarity, while writing this message about the very same thing.

That text that I sent tonight, that may or may not receive a reply, was me filling my esteem account back up, when others who hear the tale in retrospect may see it as an expense. Perspective is key and your outlook on life makes all the difference because it will determine your emotional state.

While part of me wants one thing another part of me recognizes how the Universe will force someone to reject you just to bring up your shit so you can deal with it.

I’m being faced with my shit right now and while I don’t wish it on you I will challenge you to consider what’s your stuff and why it’s showing up now.

It’s the first L in my acronym for F.U.L.L, standing for Love What Arises, because it’s showing up now so you can deal with it, right?

I’m asking myself these same questions and I’m asking myself questions about why I can’t just be in the present and just be more often. We need to create time for that practice or it won’t happen.

We need time to just be, without expectation.

Never has it ever been more important and significant for you to get quiet enough to listen to the answer you get from your inner guidance system. You are being spoken to and through by your high self regularly, it’s just how good of a conduit you allow yourself to be is the question, and how well you’ve learned to interpret your own language that matters most.

Well, I’ve went 35minutes past the deadline so am going to wrap up but I’m going to submit it anyway because the effort was put in and if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Be willing to love yourself enough to ask for clarity because I believe it’s better to know than to be left guessing and to build your wall of armour thicker and higher to keep people further away isn’t the long term solution, it just makes it harder for your authentic self to shine through in the long run so just ask for what you need from people and be satisfied with having clarified your confusion.

Asking the questions I’ve been ruminating on these last few days was as liberating as my skydive jump back in 2014. By tomorrow I will have a better understanding of the other side of this situation and I’ll have more to work with, and in the mean time I can sleep well knowing I was true to myself and what’s important to me.

I hope you will ask the questions, of others and yourself, that you feel the need to have an answer to and be willing to be patient enough to hear the answers that are being given.

Much love,

Laura JE Hamilton

PS. I have another secret that was revealed to me during my valley of transformation that is huge and I’ll share it with you in my next message to you. This 21 day series is now complete but you can access them all by going to my blog to learn more about me (and yourself) along the way. We are mirrors to each other so if you resonate with me you may receive value from other insights and perspectives I’ve gained from my own transformation. 

PPS. Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook too. I want to add value to you and would love to know if and how I have so please comment below too! Lots of love, LJ

 

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