Today is the 3rd birthday of my second nephew (Ethan James) and his brother (Alexander Richard)’s 5th birthday was yesterday.
I messaged their parents to say I’d like to not be such a stranger in their lives and tonight my brother called while the birthday boys played so I could see them and sing them a song for which I am grateful.
The boys really don’t know their Auntie yet because I’ve let my own insecurities, stories and hurt feelings keep me from building bridges where trapped emotions got -pressed down and built up over time. I believe it’s time to correct that because we were born to the same family for divine reasons; souls tend to stick to shared blood lines in order to play out unresolved karma from past lives with familiar souls while also dealing with what this one offers too.
In the first year of Alexander’s life I’d followed my intuition to get a short term contract in the town where they lived so that I could drop by and am grateful for listening. I wish I’d been less self-consumed at the time because they moved many hours away before Ethan was born and I’ve never been to his native environment in all these years, nor met their newest addition (Willa Claire).
I compared myself to my sister-in-law who has always prepared great meals for her family and extended that care to me when I would drop by after work some days even though she was exhausted with a new born who wasn’t sleeping. I was so fixated on finishing ‘the book’ and building my online persona, while feeling inadequate for not having a solid career to talk about, that in retrospect I took way more than I gave back.
My brother became a pharmacist and married his classmate who was also training to become a pharmacist while I lived in England. Both of them are high achievers who excel at all they put their mind to and in comparison I felt insecure about the unorthodox path I was on, while at the time trying so hard to finish my first book which truly took me into a spiritual desert that changed me to the core before I was able to finish it last year.
Before Alexander was born and I’d started writing the book that rewrote me, I’d went to a conference in Atlanta, Georgia where we were guided through a visualization process to visualize ourselves living our dream and instead of seeing myself on stage speaking and teaching as I thought I was meant to do, at that time, I saw the inside of an apartment I knew was meant to become my launching pad. So I went home and started my housing hunt, aiming to be close to them and the gym I loved being a member of.
When I got word there was an open house for one of the three places I’d reached out about, on the night of Charlotte and Dad’s shared birthday party, I was granted permission to come early so I could make both work and it was the very same apartment I’d seen in my mind’s eye during that exercise.
As a powerful manifester, when I’m clear on what to put my energy into, I was chose for the apartment and called it my Woo Woo Oasis where I led a pre-COVID lifestyle for just over a year that ‘got to me’ after months of living on my own in ways we’ve seen it ‘get to’ the masses. Except I was an intentional seeker of spiritual truths so I’d indirectly asked for the emotional rollercoaster I experienced while most people had not.
I share this because Andrew and Charlotte were both working as recently graduated Pharmacists with close friends from their program and high school while I’d moved abroad for several years and got heavily involved with the John Maxwell Team that I’d been certified as a coach, teacher, speaker with in 2011. Most of my perceived community had become virtual connections I saw at Certification events in Florida biannually because after leaving England where I’d been living with one of the faculty members, I started selling the program virtually, hence the pre-COVID lifestyle.
My alternative perspectives and approach to life didn’t fit with the pharmaceutical model most people accepted prior to COVID and the internal conflict I had with the fact my online persona had become more important to me than my real life, led to real problems that have compounded over the years and contributed to the lack of presence I’ve had in the lives of my brother, his wife or their offspring.
An insightful analogy I shared in my last published blog is worth re-sharing here in relation to this whole situation:
Imagine a miner pushing a mining cart into a mine to then chisel, chip, blow up and break down solid parts of the wall to loosen them and place the rubble into the cart. Once full imagine pushing that cart down the track toward the quarry station where the contents of the cart can be filtered and refined to find the gems that were hidden within, except bumps and blocks along the way make it hard to push the cart down the track and instead of clearing the track the miner dumps the cart along the side of the track and goes back into the mine to get more.
Unless we clear the track we’re going to get hung up on the same part of the story which is what this metaphor represents.
If we dump the cart along the side of the track every time the going gets tough and we give up out of frustration, irritation, overwhelm, stress or any other ‘lower level’ emotion that knocks us off centre and drains us of our power, the quarry station will remain unused and the tracks will get burdened by all the rocks and rubble brought out of the cave that create bigger and more disruptive blockages that we will struggle to get beyond in the future too.
I’ve been getting snagged on the debris since when I lived in my Woo Woo Oasis and broke trust by recording a video to generate energetic support for Charlotte when the truth is that I was trying to use the pull of my ‘online presence’ to feel significant and useful when I could have jeopardized the job opportunity she’d entrusted me with knowledge of privately and asked me not to share. I didn’t, until the very end of the video when my excitement took over and I revealed her identity as the one I was trying to conjure support for, and a mutual connection tagged her in their comment. She called and had me remove the post immediately, which I did, but the damage was already done.
It wasn’t mentioned again directly but was indirectly through a dream shared when she told me they were pregnant with Alexander and feared I would publicize their news before they were ready too.
And then with polarized perspectives due to differing beliefs in the pharmaceutical industry, judgements about my use of marijuana, apparent lack of career focus and then the greatest psychological operation of our time on top of it means I have continued to get hung up on the rock and rubble that resulted from that bad decision, and the emotional devastation I experienced as a result of betraying her trust in me and the concern I had for the unbalanced life I’d created for myself to have conducted myself in that way in the first place…
There’s been a lot of water under the bridge over the years and when I wrote a journal entry this morning, feeling compelled to share this story in a way that honours all sides without holding back the lessons these experiences have taught me for the benefit of those who can relate, I’m leaving the dramatic details out so the ‘more all’ (moral) can be the focus.
Dramatic details share someone’s story who never asked to be related to one who dares to go into the cave repeatedly to dig up the aspects of me I’ve left behind over the years, which triggers others in the process, and I’m doing it with love and care as best as I can because trust takes a lifetime to build and a moment to break. Yet if the effort is not made now then when will be a better time?
I haven’t prioritized profits the way I maybe should have over the years because I believe that to whomever much is given much is required and I can see things that many busy people haven’t had time to realize is coming or could even be a possibility, and I’ve chose to play small while caring for my grandparents and doing the INNER work of mining my life’s experiences for their lessons because I was hung up on the stories that kept me from going all the way to the quarry station.
I didn’t realize that quarry station represents my heart and the connections I have with everyone I’ve mentioned today.
I’ve been stuck on the track that says “warriors need to be strong more than I need a bank account full of fiat currency” to pay for things that perpetuate the consumeristic culture that I don’t fully believe in yet by running this story of scarcity, regardless of whether it’s true or not, I’ve built up walls between me and the very loved ones I’ve been fighting so hard for.
And so I finally recognize I’ve been drawing on the martyr archetype in its scared side instead of its sacred side and I believe it’s reflective of the cultural paradigm we’re alive to flip around so that we can stand together regardless of what or how much we have and just love each other regardless of the limiting BS that we have given so much of our power to and made us feel power-less for it.
By facing these insecurities now I am clearing the debris off the tracks that have kept me from taking my experiences to the quarry station of my heart and I believe my story is a microcosmic expression of the macrocosmic experience that modern(a) times have led us to where the martyr is calling to be flipped into its sacred side instead of the scared one that our history has largely kept us filling.
We are called to write a new script where love is the answer as we unlock doors in our own hearts so we can let love in when before we couldn’t get past the rock, rubble and debris of all the pain we went through in order to get cracked open and let more light radiate out from our heart as I am now fully committed to doing like I was to writing the book by that title.
I am grateful for all of it and for the memories I look forward to making with these birthday boys, their sister and their parents this year as I lead the way to let love win in my own life which is the only one I have the power to change, one choice to give-for the not-now and embrace the pre-sent with an open heart.
With love and respect for the journey we’ve each taken to get where we are with the awareness and capacity to love that we currently have,
Laura jeH – Namaste
PS. Clearing the track and pushing the cart to the refining station of the heart is heavy lifting and my eyes are tired after writing this because I’m calling back aspects of my soul that got left behind when I didn’t know how to handle the hurt I felt at the time those issues arose. You may find the same to be true for you when you do the same with your tracks. You’re not alone though it’s lonely work journeying inward which is precisely why you’re invited to join the PEACEFULL INNER Warriors United Assembly on Telegram where others are doing the same!