There I sat on a beach in British Columbia hearing myself clearly for the first time.
I’d road tripped out there with a guy I’d been unofficially seeing for a couple months who had decided to move there and his Mom was worried his old Jeep wouldn’t make the trek; she offered to pay for my flight back if I would go with him and I was in between jobs, intentionally while waiting to attend my certification event in Florida, so I was able to accept the last minute invite.
At the beginning of the trip, and even before we’d went, I was adamant I didn’t want a relationship in the first place. I was heading to Florida to get certified as a coach, teacher, speaker a couple weeks after the beach day that began this tale and I’d received clear guidance that I needed to be flexible when I went because I needed to stay longer than the event required, I needed to have an open schedule (no job) because I wouldn’t be staying where I was, and I needed to be single. WTF?
Inner guidance often shows up like this, not seeming to make any sense and yet in retrospect it’s spot on.
I wanted to have some light-hearted fun with this guy, for a while, but after road tripping across the country and sharing so much time together he’d grown on me and I wanted to put a title on it before I flew back to Ontario.
What I was really doing was trying to hold onto my former self-image, and the life I’d built around it, and he’d become a convenient beacon to keep me in the home I knew I needed to leave.
On one level I even knew this was the underlying reason I wanted him to accept me as his girlfriend and yet as I sat on the beach that morning at Harrison Lake, following the previous night’s fight where he’d rejected my proposal to officialize what we were already doing, I was rehashing the conversation in my head before he awoke and heard myself say “you don’t love me the way I need you to,” except for the first time in my life I heard the pattern.
It’s what I’d said about every man that couldn’t give me what I’d hoped for because the truth was I wasn’t willing to give it to myself so no one else could either. I’ve been working on that story ever since and have come a long way! It’s been a big part of my story and will help me help others who are searching for love in all the wrong places too, but it leads me to an important lesson.
This fabulous guy’s inability to give me the belonging I sought was a gift because it brought me closer to the truth of what I hadn’t been willing or able to give myself, and by hearing the story I gained access to the very reigns that could change its momentum and trajectory.
Had he accepted me, I would have never been open to the relationship that began at that conference which exposed to me more resources, tools, teachers and lessons than he or my former self-image would have ever let me enjoy. He was aligned to that level of vibration whereas the next guy was on a whole different level which was the level my revamped self-image took on.
I had to leave him and my former self-image behind in order to step into the bigger version of life and love that my Soul was calling for me to experience. So the next time the pain of rejection hurts your ego remember that the Universe will send you people who reject you if their acceptance of you would keep you for stepping into a fuller expansion and expression of who you’re meant to be.
Laura JeH – Namaste
PS. I never got his Mom to pay for my flight in the end because the experience, and that story, were worth far more to me than the cost I paid to fly home from this adventure. To make sure you don’t miss any of this series called ‘Belonging: A 21-day Adventure Home To Myself’ email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to get on a private email list, and include why you’re interested in this series so I can write with you in mind.